


The Perils of Being a King-in-training

by Doombly



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Domestic Fluff, F/M, Future Fic, starco
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8761147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doombly/pseuds/Doombly
Summary: By the time she had graduated college, Star knew her time on Earth was getting ever closer to its end. Marco realized this too, and while he had been planning it for months, it was the fear of Star leaving that gave him the final push to propose. In the excitement, it never really sunk in for Marco that marrying Star meant he would also become King of Mewni, until now...





	1. Honeymoon's Over

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, trying to get back in the fanfic-writing saddle. Here’s the previously mentioned Star vs the Forces of Evil story, part 1 of until I get bored of it since its meant to be a funny domestic thing that doesn’t really have an ending.

It had been over a decade since Star Butterfly first came to Earth. As the years passed, and her fondness for Earth and especially the people on it continued to grow, Star constantly found excuses to convince her parents she should stay for just a little longer.

It couldn't last. By the time she had graduated college, Star knew her time on Earth was getting ever closer to its end. Marco realized this too, and while he had been planning it for months, it was the fear of Star leaving that gave him the final push to propose.

The news went over far better with King and Queen Butterfly than either Star or Marco had expected. Not to say there wasn't a great deal of resistance, the princess of Mewni marrying a commoner would have been scandal enough, let alone that he was from another dimension, but but the pair had expected far worse.

King River had a lot to do with that, he'd already considered Marco family for years, and by the time Star and Marco were in college, Queen Moon had resigned herself to the inevitable as well.

Between the joy over getting married and the struggles to legitimize it, Marco never fully realized one of the consequences of marrying Star until far too late...

A dimensional portal opened in the throne room, the King and Queen shifted all attention to it with baited breath. As a figure stepped through the portal their suspicions and hopes were confirmed, Star and Marco had returned from their cross-dimensional honeymoon.

Marco was carrying Star bridal style, while Star waved both of her hands. "Hi Dad! Hi Mom! I'm waving for both of us because Marco doesn't have any free hands!"

"Your majesties," Marco said, the beaming grin on his face saying the rest.

"Starling!" King River ran to his daughter, who leaped from Marco's arms for a hug. River did one better and caught up both Star and Marco in his crushing embrace. "Don't think I forgot you, Marco, or should I say, son?"

"Huuuuuuuuugs!" Star squeezed her arms tighter around her father and her husband. Something was missing though. "Mom? Come on, you're missing the hug party!" Moon reluctantly joined in on the group hug.

"So how was your honeymoon?" King River asked as the four separated.

"AMAZING!" Star bounced in place recalling the experience.

"Yeah, definitely," Macro agreed. "I still can't get over that there's an entire universe that's just a hotel. Or the beach where the sand was made out of cotton candy,"

"Yeah that was pretty great, especially the cotton candy sandcastle building competition," Star interjected. "Oh, and the penguin-sledding! And the ultimate battle-couple fighting championship, and the dinosaur zoo... But nothing beat the club that served those pan-galactic gargle blasters!"

"Ha, that entire day is just a blank space in my memory," Marco paused. "They were kidding about the side effects, right?"

"I dunno," Star shrugged.

"Anyway, thanks again for setting this all up," Marco smiled at the King and Queen.

"Well this was nice but we better get going," Star gestured to the portal. "We're going to visit Marco's parents, then Princess Pony Head invited us to a honeymoon after-party which I don't think is something that actually exists but it sounds awesome-"

"Actually you're not going anywhere." Queen Moon stepped in front of the portal.

Star's near perpetual smile dropped. "Whaaa?"

"Is something wrong, Queen Butterfly?" Moon's face remained blank, "Mom?" Marco offered instead but Moon's expression was unchanged. "Uh, I'm not really sure which you'd like for me to call you now? Queen Mom?"

"Marco Butterfly-Diaz, soon you are going to be the King of Mewni. There's much you have to learn and little time to teach you."

Before Marco could answer, Star got between him and her mother. "Aw come on Mom, you and Dad have at least five, maybe ten years of ruling left in you. We don't need to do this now."

Marco put his hand on Star's shoulder. "It's alright, Star. Queen slash Mom has a point. I could use a short introduction on how to rule."

"Nothing about this introduction is going to be short. Star has been groomed to be queen of Mewni for her entire life. We're going to have to condense a whole childhood's worth of instruction for you," River added.

"But we have jobs, I teach karate, Star's..." Marco paused, trying to explain the situation without bringing up anything Star wouldn't want her parents to know about.

"I'm... between jobs. The fabric store never forgave me for the little accident with the silk-snakes and wool tornado." Star leaned closer to her mother, "I think she was just looking for an excuse to fire me."

"We can't just drop everything and stay here yet; what about if I came to train on the weekends?" Marco suggested. "I'm a fast learner, after all I got straight-A's throughout high school _and_ college."

"Do you know anything about royal etiquette?" River asked.

"No."

"How to issue a royal edict?"

"No."

"The cultural climate of Mewni?"

"No."

"Our laws and different functions of government?"

"No."

"What to do in a state of emergency or war?"

"No."

"The nations we maintain diplomatic relations with and how to handle those relationships?"

"No."

"What the different roles the king and queen perform in Mewnian society?"

"No."

"That's enough, dear," Moon said. "I think Marco understands now why this isn't something he can learn 'on the weekends'."

"Marco is going to be a great king," Star interrupted. "Besides, he's got me to show him the ropes."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of."

Star wanted to argue the point further, but couldn't come up with anything in her or Marco's favor.

"Can we at least visit my parents first?"

Moon nodded to Marco's request. Star cut a new portal with her dimensional scissors, this time to the Diaz residence, and the newlyweds disappeared into it.

"What are the odds they make a run for it and don't come back?" Moon asked rhetorically.

"Wouldn't surprise me, we tried the same after all," River chuckled. "I have a feeling Marco will talk her out of it, though."

"That's why I let Star marry him," Moon smiled.


	2. Royal Dinner

The castle's dining room table was far too large for the four people using it at the moment. Queen Moon and King River sat at the far end of the table, as was customary, with Star and Marco sitting at the opposite end.

"How were the Diazes?" Moon shouted from across the table.

"Fine, a little sad we're moving here, but they still have my old room so they can call us with the mirror anytime," Star answered with an even louder shout.

"They wanted us to stay for dinner, but you said to be back by sundown and I didn't want you to think we'd run off," Marco said, not raising his voice as loud as those of the Butterflies.

"What was that?" River called out, "I can't hear you from over here!"

"What if we just sat closer to each other, then we wouldn't have to shout?" Marco shouted back.

Star, Moon, and River all looked at him as if he had just suggested they eat their silverware. Marco coughed to break the awkward silence.

"I said, that my parents wanted us to stay longer but I was afraid you would think we ran off!"

"Oh," Star leaned against Marco and smiled deviously. "I thought we left because Mrs. Diaz kept asking when we were going to give her some grandchildren?"

"She makes a good point, we need to start planning for you heirs," River said.

Marco nearly choked on his mouthful of corn-on-the-cob. "D-don't you think its a little early to be thinking about that?" He looked between Star and her parents, "We've only been married a week!"

"Our kingdom's line of succession is matrilineal, so you'll need to have at least one daughter," Moon said as if she had not heard Marco.

"What if we named her," Star paused, "Mariposa!"

"That's Spanish for butterfly, Star."

"Yeah, obviously. That's the whole point. Wouldn't that be cute?"

"Our daughter's name would literally be 'Butterfly Butterfly'."

"Well when you say it like that… how about Estrella then?"

Marco couldn't help but start chuckling. "Are you just gonna' keep suggesting your name in different languages?"

Star leaned back in her chair, "Depends. How do you say Star and or Butterfly in German?"

The pair burst into laughter, River soon joining while Moon remained unmoved.

Dinner proceeded without further fanfare until it came time for dessert.

"How about for dessert," Marco gestured to the four's empty plates, "I make us all some of my world famous nachos."

"Yes!" Star did a fist-pump at the suggestion. "Mom, Dad, you are going to love Marco's nachos! Two words, triangle food!"

King River shook his head. "A king doesn't have time to prepare his own food." He beckoned a nearby servant over. "You there, tell the chef to make us some edible triangles for dessert."

Star and Marco's expressions fell while the servant nodded to River and walked off to the kitchen. The rest of the dinner passed in silence, and the royal chef's attempt at nachos was a far cry from Marco's.

After a noble but fruitless attempt to finish the poor equivalent to nachos, Moon 'recommended' Star and Marco go to bed as they would have quite the busy day ahead of them. Star lead Marco to her childhood bedroom, excited to show it off.

"Ta-da!" Star opened the door with theatrical flourish. "Wow, when Mom and Dad said they hadn't touched it since I came to Earth they weren't kidding."

"You'd think they'd have cleaned it at least," Marco walked into the room and brushed several cobwebs away from Star's old bed.

Star smiled, "They didn't really need to considering I've got this baby," she pulled out her wand. "Room redecoration ray!" A burst of magical energy engulfed the room, instantly transforming it.

"Whoa," was all Marco could say in response. Their new room contained a fish tank filled with creatures Marco was certain did not exist on Earth, a spiral staircase leading to an unseen upper level, a large pedestal where her massive spell book rested, a walk-in closet that appeared to go deeper than the room was wide, and a canopied bed with purple covers and frilly pillows.

Star put her hand on Marco's shoulder and leaned onto him. "So, Wild Man, wanna' break-in the royal bed?" She batted her eyelashes.

Half an hour later, Moon opened the door. She immediately regretted her decision not to knock. Star and Marco were jumping on the bed while having a pillow fight.

"Pillows this soft can't be legal!" Marco laughed and swung his pillow at Star.

Star blocked the attack with her own pillow "I know right!" Realization hit her. "We need MORE." Star jumped even higher and fired a beam of pillows from her wand until she stopped falling due the height of the pillow stack beneath her.

After several moments of watching without being noticed, Moon quietly closed the door. Her initial reasons for coming by had been long forgotten.


	3. Proper Throne Etiquette

Marco finished button his royal doublet with a smile of satisfaction. "How do I look?" He asked Star.

"Very handsome, _Prince_ Marco," Star ran her hands down the front of Marco's doublet. "Silky… So, ready for this whole training thing?"

"Uh, I guess I'm ready… no, I am!" Marco put his hands on his hips and thrust his chest out. "I am ready! Today your parents will see that Marco Butterfly-Diaz can handle whatever they throw at him."

"That's the spirit, hubby!" Star slapped Marco on the back, knocking him forward slightly. His gaze again fell on the outfit he would have to wear from now on as the prince-consort.

"Hey do you think they have one of these in red?"

Star tapped her wand to her chin while deep in thought. "Powder blue is Mewni's official color so probably not," she pointed her wand at Marco. "Maybe I could..."

"On second thought, blue is fine," Marco held up his hands and chuckled nervously.

After a quick breakfast of cornflakes (Marco knew that mewmans loved corn, but this was getting a little ridiculous) King River ushered the pair to the throne room. Moon was nowhere to be seen, and aside from some ever ubiquitous royal guards the room was empty.

"One of the most important things a ruler does, my boy, is sit on their throne," River gestured to the smaller of the two thrones centered on the back wall of the room.

"Pssh, dad," Star rolled her eyes. "I think Marco knows how to sit on things." She walked over to Moon's throne. "You take your butt," Star explained while pointing to her own. "Then you place it on the seat." She sat down on the throne with a smug grin.

River chuckled. "There's more to sitting on a throne then the act itself." He walked to the King's throne and placed his arm on the left armrest. "Take a seat."

Marco shrugged and sat down. He waited for River to say or do something, while Star gave him two thumbs up from her spot on the queen's throne. "Now what?"

River stepped in front of Marco, his arms behind his back and chin titled up. "Whether listening to petitioners, posing for a tapestry, addressing gathered nobles, or any other event, a king does not leave his throne for any reason."

"Okay, I think I've got this," Marco laid back and wiggled into the throne's seat cushion. Sitting in a chair for an hour or two? This would be a piece of cake.

"Star, try to get him to leave the throne," River said. Star shot up from her seat, standing to the side of Marco and leaning towards his left ear.

"Marcooooo…" She whispered into Marco's ear. "MARCO!"

Marco jumped at the sudden shout but stayed firmly planted on the chair.

"MARCO BUTTERFLY-DIAZ!"

Marco flinched and covered his ears. Star narrowed her eyes while thinking on new techniques. Her mouth crept into a smile as she slid down towards the hem of Marco's doublet.

"Star what are you doing?"

She started to lift his doublet up, exposing Marco's stomach.

"Star?"

Star took a deep breath then pressed her mouth to Marco's stomach and began to blow raspberries. The effect on Marco was as severe as it was immediate. He laughed almost to the point of crying, his arms futilely attempting to push Star away while his legs kicked in the air.

River stood off to the side, unsure if he should be watching this.

Despite hitting all the sensitive and ticklish spots she could find, Star's attempts were proving unsuccessful at getting Marco to fall out of the throne. She came up for a breath of air.

"Sorry Marco, but you leave me no choice," Star climbed off of him and ran out the nearest door.

Marco readjusted his doublet and waited for whatever this next trial would be.

"Is this really necessary?" He asked River.

"Of course. While Star's methods are a bit unorthodox you will need to remain on the throne no matter the situation. I remember the gathering of nobles while the northwest wall had collapsed letting a blizzard in. Moon and I stayed resolute even as frostbite set in."

"DID SOMEBODY SAY WATER?" Star kicked the door open, a gardening hose in her hand. Marco and River shook their heads. "Darn it. I was sure Dad was gonna' tell you about the time they listened to petitioners while the castle was flooded."

"I felt like telling the blizzard story this time."

Between the hose and mentions of flooding, realization dawned on Marco as to what Star had planned. "No."

"Sorry, but yes," Star smiled apologetically and aimed the hose at Marco's feet. She moved her thumb so it was no longer blocking the hose's nozzle and a stream of water sprayed out onto Marco's shoes and socks.

Marco screamed as he felt the water soak into his socks and pool into his shoes. "Why? Why?"

"While court is in session, a king cannot leave the throne for any reason. Not even wet socks."

After the initial wave of revulsion over his socks faded, Marco clutched the throne's armrests with renewed determination. "Fine then. Do your worst! Nothing's getting me outta' this chair!"

"Okay," Star wandered off again.

Marco smiled. "Does this mean I win?"

"No, I'm just getting ready for next plan. Plan G," Star answered with a sinister grin.

Marco counted Star's previous attempts to unseat him under his breath and on his fingers. "Shouldn't you only be on plan D?"

"My plans aren't in alphabetical order," Star slammed the door behind her.

Marco stared at River, raising his eyebrow in a silent question. River shook his head, he had no idea where Star was going with this either. As if on cue, Star threw door open while carrying an object covered by a white cloth.

The smell emanating from beneath the cloth invaded Marco's nostrils. It was familiar, very familiar, but it couldn't possibly be what he thought it was. With theatrical flourish, Star withdrew the cloth revealing Marco's hopes to be correct. It was a goblin dog.

River remembered an expression he had heard during one of his visits to Earth. He decided now was the perfect situation to use it, "Oh snap!"

"How?" Marco's had to gulp down the amount of saliva that had built up in his mouth from the sight and smell. He had only eaten a goblin dog once before, but what an experience it had been.

"I have my ways," Star winked. "Wanna' come over here and split it with me."

Marco started to stand up but caught himself in the nick of time. "Nice try, but I'm not leaving this throne for anything."

"Oh well. I guess I'll just have to eat all myself," Star opened her mouth as wide as possible, then began to slowly move the goblin dog towards her waiting maw. All the while she stared at Marco with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. Star was enjoying this exercise perhaps a little too much.

Marco grit his teeth and turned his mind's attention to other subjects in hopes of distracting himself. He thought about his parents, the laser puppies who, now that he thought of it, had been puppies for an awfully long time, even his drying but still uncomfortably wet socks. Star however was moving the goblin dog at such a glacial pace that by the time it was halfway past her lips Marco had run out of distractions for himself.

"There's still half left!" Star said around the half of the goblin dog in her mouth. Marco remained seated and Star began to push the entire goblin dog into her mouth in response. She didn't even try to chew any of it, much to Marco's worry. "Wow, good job Mar-" Star doubled over and began coughing.

Star's face turned a shade of blue and her heart marks changed to skulls with crosses over their eyes for added effect. The nearest guards approached Star but someone else reached her first. Star kept hacking while Marco raced from the throne and grabbed her. He began to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her.

Moon came in through the door Star had previously entered from, a scowl of annoyance on her face. "Will someone please tell me what's going on?"

At that same moment, Marco delivered a final abdominal thrust to Star and she coughed the goblin dog up. The goblin dog had been ejected from Star's mouth with such force that it continued to speed through the air straight towards Moon.

Time appeared to go in slow motion as Marco called out to warn Moon, "Look out!"

"Oh snap!" River added.

Before she could react in any way, the goblin dog collided with Moon's face with enough force to knock her to the floor. Meanwhile Marco rubbed Star's back while she took in several gasps of air.

"You failed the test!" River shouted, "And I couldn't be any happier that you did." He clapped Marco on the shoulder while Marco sighed in relief.

Moon groaned and clambered to her feet. Star, Marco, and River awaited their deserved verbal thrashing. "Not a word of this to anyone. Ever."


	4. Master of Arms

Wednesday's subject for training was to be combat, so Star, Marco, and River had strapped themselves into light armor and headed to the barracks. Marco was confident this lesson would go over better than yesterday's. He had been fighting monsters alongside Star for a decade now, after all. River had set up several training dummies while Star had grabbed a Morningstar from the nearest weapons rack.

As soon as River was away from the dummies, Star swung the Morningstar in an arc which reduced all the targets to splinters. "I AM A GOD OF DESTRUCTION!"

"We needed those for… perhaps some hand to hand sparring is in order?" River faced Marco.

Marco grinned. "Alright! Check this out!" He got into a fighting stance, holding one up as a shield while holding the fingers of his other hand in a claw shape. "I call this move the 'block and claw.' Its offense and defense at once."

"Ah yes, your 'karate.' While your Earth fighting technique is impressive, a king must be a master of all forms of combat," River explained. "You seem proficient with your hands so let's try a weapon."

River gestured to the weapon rack Star had gotten her Morningstar from. Dozens of weapons hung from the rack, some familiar to Marco, others he had only seen in fantasy movies, and more still that were completely alien to him.

"Pick a weapon, Marco."

Marco reached out to grab a sword then changed his mind and reached for a mace but changed his mind again and withdrew his hands. "I don't even know where to start," Marco admitted.

"Well there's the halberd, the pikestaff, the zweihander, the flail, the warglaive, the long sword, the short sword, the average-length sword, the _curved_ sword which is a favorite in the western deserts…"

"You could try my Morningstar," Star offered. Marco started to nod but froze halfway through. After a moment of thought he burst into laughter.

"Morningstar! MorningSTAR! I just got that! Why did it take me ten years to get that?"

Star stared at Marco utterly confused. She went through the same frozen spot of contemplation. "Oh. OH! I see what I did there!" She joined in with Marco's raucous laughter.

Marco's laughter trailed off as he wiped some tears from his eyes. "Hehe… yeah it's not really that funny."

"Nah," Star agreed. She looked down the Morningstar held loosely in her hand and tossed it Marco.

Despite being ready for the throw, Marco was knocked off his feet and pinned to the ground by the weapon. He strained to stand up, raising the Morningstar as if it were a pair of dumbbells.

"What does this thing weigh? Five hundred pounds?" Marco got halfway up before collapsing again in defeat.

"Oh yeah. Dad, Marco's pretty strong for a human but compared to a mewman he's kind of," Star wiggled her hand, "eh."

"Hmm," River scratched his chin, "perhaps we should give karate a try after all."

"Fine by me," Marco coughed out from underneath the Morningstar. "Can someone help get this off me? I think I might have bruised a rib… or three."

Star grabbed the Morningstar and tossed it to the side, then helped Marco up. He dusted himself off and returned to his 'block and claw' stance from earlier. River whistled and a guard ran over to Marco.

"I thought we were going to fight?" Marco looked to River.

"I want to observe your 'karate' in action."

Marco nodded and turned his attention back to the guard. "Bring it on," Marco taunted. The guard swung his fist. Marco ducked and kicked the guard's legs out from under him. As the guard fell he angled himself so his head collided with Marco's on the way down, stunning them both. Each fighter stumbled back to their feet but Marco recovered first.

Marco karate chopped the guard's right arm while the guard was preparing to raise it for another attack. River watched, visibly impressed. Star stood next to River with a prideful grin. The guard recovered and lunged at Marco. He side-stepped the guard, raising his left arm as a shield to deflect the guards' outstretched arm. Marco whirled around and, with his other hand curled into a claw struck the guard in the back.

Winded by the blow and already falling, the guard landed flat on his face with an audible thump. "I yield," he muttered without bothering to raise his head.

"That's the power of the block and claw!" Marco stood triumphant over the defeated guard. Star and River applauded.

"Excellent job, my boy!" River whistled again, "Now fight the rest of the royal guards."

"Wait, what?" Marco was able to say before twenty armored guards dogpiled him.

"Everything hurts," Marco groaned while laid out on his and Star's bed. "I have bruises in places that should _never_ have bruises."

Star sat next to him on the edge of the bed. With a gasp, her cheek marks turned from hearts to lightbulbs. "I know just the thing to cheer you up!"

Star's idea had in fact been just the thing to cheer him up, Marco thought. While Mewni might lack indoor plumbing (odd considering they had magic cellphones and fully functional vending machines) he was still able to have a steaming hot bath in a large metal tub. He sank into the water and sighed.

"Thanks Star, a warm bath was just what I needed," already Marco could feel the tension going from his muscles.

"That's not what I was talking about," Star called out from across the bathroom. She was rooting through a chest, throwing up various soaps, sponges and other cleaning implements. "I was talking about this!" She stood up with a black spherical object clutched in her hands.

With a cry of "Bath bomb!" Star tossed the sphere at the tub where it landed with a large splash. The bath bomb fizzled and dissolved into the bathwater, turning it black.

"It's got a kind of earthy smell," Marco sniffed.

"Yeah, these are _perfect_ for after a rough day. I just wish we had them back on Earth," Star said.

"Earth has bath bombs."

"Not this kind!"

Marco shrugged and leaned his head back, losing himself in the soothingly warm water. The bath bomb did seem to be helping somehow. After a brief tingling sensation, the pain in various areas of his body would cease. This was primarily happening to right arm, which had been especially sore from striking the guard's armor. As the pain receded, Marco noticed that his arm was not feeling better so much as feeling totally numb. Figuring that he was leaning on it and it had fallen asleep, he raised his arm out of the bath.

Once clear of the black water, Marco gasped at the state of his arm. It was covered in fat, black leeches. Each leech pulsated as it sucked blood from his arm. Marco screamed while shaking his arm in an attempt to dislodge the leeches.

"Marco, calm down! The leeches were in the bath bomb!" Star shouted to be heard over Marco's screams. "They eat your pain… and your blood, so don't stay in there too long."

Marco stopped screaming but was no less horrified. "H-how many leeches were in that thing?"

"There better have been at least a hundred or I'm demanding my money back," Star answered unaware of Marco's continued anxiety.

In response to that news, Marco stood up and looked down at his body. Every inch of him was covered in more leeches. He leapt from the tub and ran off screaming.

"Marco!" Star chased after him. Unfortunately she had not locked the door, planning to leave after giving Marco the bath bomb, and so Marco was now running panicked, naked, and leech-covered through the castle halls.

At the throne room, Moon and River were greeting a visiting dignitary. He had come to discuss a series of trade routes known throughout Mewni as "the Corn Road." Moon had planned for Marco to be there to introduce him to political duties, and was rather upset that River's earlier combat training had ruined the opportunity.

"So I understand the prince-consort is living here in the castle now?" The dignitary asked. The main dialogue about the Corn Road had ended and he was now making polite small talk.

"Yes, Marco Diaz of Earth," Moon responded.

"Ah yes, Earth. It's not unheard of for a princess to marry a commoner, love is love and all that. And many political alliances have been forged from inter-dimensional marriages. But marrying a commoner from another dimension? Are you sure he'll be qualified to lead alongside Princess Star?"

Moon smiled in a way that barely hid the scowl she wanted to make. "Marco is perfectly equipped to fulfill his duties once he and Star ascend to the throne."

At that exact moment Marco ran across the room, his continued screaming drawing the attention of Moon, River and the dignitary. Star was right behind him, shooting bolts of raw magic energy from her wand in attempts to dislodge the leeches which still covered Marco.

"Is… is that the prince?"

"Umm, no," Moon answered. "I'm not sure who that is."

As if on cue, Star yelled "Marco stay still! The more you move the more the leeches drink!"

Moon and River stared wordlessly at the dignitary while Star chased Marco in circles around the room. "I'll just see myself out, your highnesses."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the next chapter I'm running low on potential lesson ideas, so if you want to see Marco's attempt at learning a particular skill and the chaos that will likely ensue, comment!


	5. Matrimony Thursday

Marco was fast asleep, dreaming of times where being tackled by fully armored soldiers and being covered in leeches were not common occurrences. However, even with the past few day’s hectic events, being able to wake up next to Star each morning was worth it. Something began to gently push him back and forth, its frequency increasing until he had no choice but to wake up. With a yawn and stretch of his arms, Marco sat up.

Whatever had been shaking him didn’t cease, so Marco yawned again and forced his eyes open.

“Marco,” Star repeated while she continued to shake him. “Wake up. Marco. Wake up.”

“I’m up, I’m up!” Marco looked around. Star was fully dressed and wide-awake. It was very unusual for her to get up early. “What time is it?”

“Noon, I think,” Star answered.

Marco jolted from half-asleep to completely awake. “What?!” How could he have overslept so long? After everything else he couldn’t afford to mess up in front of the Queen and King for another day in a row. “I’ve got to get ready, your parents are probably furious-“

Star put her hands on Marco’s shoulders to keep him from getting out of bed. “Calm down, there aren’t any lessons today. That’s why I let you sleep in.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Mom and Dad said that after yesterday they, and I quote, had seen enough of you for a little while,” Star explained. Marco groaned and covered his face with his pillow. “Hey, if they were actually mad they would’ve thrown you in the dungeon.”

Marco set his pillow down. “Yeah, it could be worse.” He grinned at Star, “Plus I just realized something. No training means we have the whole day to ourselves, and I think you know what today is…”

Star nodded, then jumped in excitement. “You bet I do! Our first official Matrimony Thursday!” She leaned forward and gave Marco a quick kiss on the cheek.

“First? What about last Thursday?”

“That didn’t count. Our honeymoon was like, Matrimony All-Week,”

“Fair enough,” Marco got out of bed and put his arm around Star. “Today will be nothing but you, me, one extra-large snuggly, the complete Mackie Hands DVD box set, and…”

They finished the sentence in unison, “a plate of my/your super awesome nachos!” Star and Marco’s expressions fell as realization dawned on the two.

Star hung her head. “I guess we could have leftovers from dinner.”

“No,” Marco opened the drawer of their nightstand and withdrew his dimensional scissors. “Maybe ‘a king does not prepare his own food’ but,” Marco said in an eerily perfect imitation of King River’s voice. He held up the dimensional scissors like a knight triumphantly raising his sword, “a husband does not deprive his wife of super awesome nachos on Matrimony Thursday!”

Star clapped, “Ooh, I like where this is going.”

Marco handed Star the scissors then left for the closest to get dressed.

\---

The door to Star and Marco’s room opened just enough for Marco to poke his head out. He scanned the hallway in front of them for any guards or servants. It was not necessary, they had free roam of the castle of course, but it was more fun this way.

“Safe Kid, this is Rebel Princess, do you copy?” Star whispered from behind Marco. “What’s the situation? Safe Kid?”

“We did not agree on those codenames!” Marco whisper-shouted back. “I’ve outgrown any right to be called a safe kid.”

“Fine. Safe _Husband_ , do copy?”

Marco sighed, but accepted that Star was not likely to give up on that joke any time soon. “Coast is clear. Headed towards the kitchen.” He crept out into the hallway, staying close to the wall.

“Over and out,” Star nodded and followed him outside.

They inched their way out of the hall, leading to an intersection. To their left was the dining room, and through it, the kitchen. To their right was the throne room.

“Rebel Princess, I’m going to scout ahead,” Marco tiptoed into the dining room. He was so focused on a servant or guard coming from the throne room that he paid little attention to the dining room itself. He collided with someone else, which to his horror turned out to be King River.

“Oh hi Marco,” King River waved. He held a half-eaten drumstick in his hand that he absentmindedly gnawed on after waving. “Having a late breakfast I see.”

“Yes, exactly. That’s what I’m doing,” Marco stepped aside to let River pass. “I’ll let you be on your way.”

“Actually there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” River stared at the closely shaven stubble around Marco’s chin and lower jaw. “Have you considered growing a beard, my boy? It would help give you a more regal appearance.”

“I sort of swore off facial hair after an incident when I was fourteen,” Marco scratched the back of his head.

“Just something to think about,” River patted Marco on the back and left the room. Once Marco was certain River had left, he ran to the kitchen.

He waited by the kitchen entrance for Star to join him. The plan was for her meet him two minutes after he went into the dining room if he did not give a retreat signal. That time had passed but Star was nowhere to be seen.

“Safe Husband, this is Rebel Princess, do you copy?” Marco jumped upon hearing Star’s disembodied voice.

“Star?”

“I turned myself invisible to sneak past Dad,” with a puff of smoke Star appeared next to Marco.

“Why didn’t we just do that in the first place?”

“Because it would be way too easy if we were just invisible the whole time!”

Marco shushed Star and pushed the kitchen door open. They snuck inside, hiding behind the nearest kitchen island. Silently Marco peaked over the island to see if anyone else was in the kitchen with them. A single chef was cutting a vegetable Marco was seventy five percent sure didn’t exist on Earth.

Marco pointed up above the counter then held up his index finger. Star nodded and activated phase two.

“Witness Removal Transformation!” Star jumped out from behind the island and fired her wand at the chef. Before the chef could even turn to face Star, a magic bolt from her wand struck him. The chef was instantly transformed into a bright pink pufferfish which fell to the floor and helplessly flopped around.

Marco stared questioningly at Star.

“He’s fine. It’ll wear off in a few hours,” she held up her hands. “Or was it a few days?”

Marco busied himself looking through the cabinets and pantries for ingredients while Star heated up the nearest oven with her wand. What foods he did recognize were far removed from what he needed. No wonder the chef’s attempt to make “edible triangles” on his and Star’s first night here had been such a disaster.

“No cinnamon, no frijoles, no guacamole, not confident enough to say this is a tomato, there’s not even any tortilla chips. I really thought they’d at least have the chips since they’re made out of corn…” Marco scratched his chin. He paced back and forth, deep in thought. Finally he snapped his fingers and ran to find a pen and paper.

After finding some he quickly scribbled out a list of ingredients, then handed the list and his dimensional scissors to Star. “I need you to go to our old apartment and get this stuff while I figure out how to cook nachos with mewman kitchen appliances. The oven looks pretty simple but I’ve got no idea what, that thing for example,” Marco pointed to a spoon-like object covered in rusty nails, “is supposed to do.”

Star cut open a portal to Echo Creek and disappeared through it with a quick goodbye wave. She emerged just outside the apartment complex they had been living at since graduating college. She approached the door her and Marco’s apartment, where a man was banging on the door.

“Mr. Reeds?” Star called out, recognizing the man as the complex’s landlord. Mr. Reeds stopped his banging.

“Were have you been?” He shouted. “You’re two weeks behind on your rent!”

“Yeah, about that,” Star traced figure eights with her foot while trying to explain everything that had happened. “Uh, something came up and Marco and I aren’t coming back any time soon. Probably not ever, so… I guess you could give our apartment to somebody else.”

Mr. Reeds pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not how this works. There’s paper work you need to fill out, and you still owe me the rent-“

Star reached into a pocket concealed in the folds of her dress and handed Mr. Reeds a large bag of coins. “Here’s three thousand flerbos. That should cover it.”

Mr. Reeds stared at the pouch of coins and frowned. “Whatever a ‘flerbo’ is, it’s not an acceptable form of payment here.”

“Do you have any idea what you can afford with three thousand flerbos?” Star asked.

Mr. Reeds shook his head.

“An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!” Star waved her arms in the air.

“What?”

Instead of answering, Star cut open a portal with the scissors and shoved Mr. Reeds through it. On the other end was a large arcade full of seemingly normal games but populated by alien creatures that Mr. Reed could barely make sense of.

“Knock yourself out! But don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Star wagged her finger then closed the portal.

“Wait! How do I get back?”

\---

At the kitchen of the Butterfly Castle, Marco was still trying to make sense of the mewman cooking implements. He tossed a pair of rolling pins that were attached at the edges from one hand to another, trying to figure out if he was supposed to use them sideways or feed whatever he wanted to flatten between the two.

Several large bags stuffed with nacho ingredients fell directly on top of Marco, followed by Star herself. She got up and brushed herself off, then closed the portal she’d opened on the ceiling. Completely unfazed, Marco gathered up the bags and carried them to the counter.

“Alright,” Marco rubbed his hands together, “it’s nacho time!”

Thirty minutes later, Star and Marco rushed back to their room, Marco holding a still steaming tray of super awesome nachos in his arms. Star pulled a snuggly out of their closet while Marco set the nachos on the bed.

“I’ll put the movie on,” Marco reached for a remote to turn the television on to realize “we don’t have a TV, do we?”

Star shook her head.

Marco sighed and cut open another portal with his dimensional scissors. “I’ll be right back.”


	6. Marco vs the Ambassador

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that sure was some season finale, huh? Let's takes our minds off it with some happy fluff and comedy!
> 
> Special thanks to "Guest" and "Sadboi" from fanfiction.net for their suggestions which inspired this chapter.

Marco thought he understood the idea behind stacking books on one’s head. It was supposed to show off one’s balance and poise, at least in all those princess movies from Earth. On Mewni, apparently, it was more about strength and how many books you could hold up before collapsing.

“Add another book,” Moon called out. She was seated across from Marco within the royal library.

Perched atop a ladder connected to the nearest bookshelf, Star took out her wand and poofed several new books into existence on top of the stack Marco was struggling to hold up.

“I meant from the bookshelf.”

Star frowned. “But all that’s left is the Encyclopedia Mewnica, and that weights like fifteen pounds.”

“Your father could stand up straight while balancing thirty of those encyclopedias when he was Marco’s age.”

While they argued, Marco struggled to add his opinion to the discussion. All that came out of his mouth was a hoarse rasp, however. His face with beet red and covered in sweat from exertion, every muscle in his body straining to both keep the books from falling and keep his back straight. Moon took notice of Marco’s exhausted state and “hmmed” at him while scratching her chin.

“I think that’s enough books for now. On to step two,” Moon pointed to the library’s exit. “Go run a mile without dropping the books.”

Marco nearly fainted.

“She’s kidding, Marco,” Star slid down the ladder and landed next to her husband.

“What? I’m being completely serious.”

Whether from dismay at the thought of running a mile with the books balanced on his head, or from his muscles finally giving out, Marco did faint at this point. Books were sent flying in every direction, some of them remained airborne and began to dart about like birds. Star ran to Marco while Moon glared.

“This is why I wanted books from the shelf and not from your wand.”

Star ignored her mother and focused on trying to resuscitate Marco. She gently tapped him on his cheek, when that didn’t work she moved up to light slapping. Marco still did not stir. She began to vigorously slap him.

“Uh, I’m up, I’m up,” Marco groaned. Star didn’t hear, too deep into her slapping.

“I won’t lose you, Marco!” She yelled while backhanded him.

“Star I’m awake!”

Star froze mid-slap. “Sorry.” She helped Marco get up and smiled nervously while trying avert Marco’s gaze.

Manfred, Queen Moon’s personal servant, ran into the library. He leaned on his knees and panted.

“What is it, Manfred?” Moon asked. Manfred held up his hand and continued to gulp in air.

“The… the ambassador from Uni is… at the front gate.”

“Excellent!” Moon faced Marco. “I’ll let you handle this.”

Sensing a chance to make up for failing with the books, Marco gave a thumbs up. “I won’t let you down.”

“I hope not, considering what happened last time…”

\---

It was spring break of Star and Marco’s sophomore year at college. Star had been needed for a political gathering at Mewni, so she decided to bring Marco along and make a vacation of it. The royal family and Marco were on the castle grounds entertaining a group of ambassadors from several neighboring kingdoms and friendly dimensions.

“Queen Moon, King River, it’s good to see you again as always,” an ambassador from the Andromeda dimension bowed in front them. “And Princess Star, you seem well.” He then noticed Marco standing beside her. “Who is this?”

“Marco Diaz, sir. I’m Star’s boyfriend,” Marco smiled and reached out to shake the ambassador’s hand. Star’s arm shot out trying to stop Marco but she was too late. After ending the handshake, Marco smiled again. “Pleased to meet you.”

The ambassador remained silent. He slowly raised the hand Marco had shook to his face, then clutched his wrist and screamed at the top of his lungs.

“Are you okay?” Marco asked. The ambassador kept screaming. By now everyone in the court’s attention had been drawn to Marco and the screeching Andromedan. Moon and River were glaring daggers at Marco while Star hid her face in her hands.

\---

“Hey, it was just a simple misunderstanding and everything worked out fine once I apologized.”

“He had to cut off the hand you shook to regain his honor,” Moon scowled. “But you’re already familiar with the Kingdom of Uni, so this should be excellent practice for you.” She looked over to Manfred, who finally had regained his breath. “Manfred, escort the ambassador here.”

“But I left her at the gates of the palace, my lady.”

Moon glared at him.

“Very well,” Manfred sighed and jogged off.

As soon as Manfred had left a blue and pink blur shot through the still open door. “Heeeeeeey!”

“Pony Head!” Star cheered and raced up the princess of Uni for a reunion hug. It was harder to hug her now, the years had been kind to Pony Head and she was now almost as large as her father, roughly the size of a small car. Star tried anyway of course.

"Hey B-fly, Prince Turd! Your dumb servant guy made me wait outside and I got bored so I let myself in. Where have you guys been? You missed the honeymoon after party."

“Queen Moon says we need to stay here so I can train to be king,” Marco explained. “Wait, Prince Turd?”

“Yeah, you’re not exactly an Earth Turd anymore.”

Marco smirked. “I’ll go with it.”

Moon stepped between the three and shushed them. “I was told an _ambassador_ was coming.”

Pony Head rolled her eyes. “Yeah he got sick and stuff so I figured I’d come. I can do that diplomatic junk just fine.”

Moon face-palmed. “Alright.”

“Hey, should someone tell Manfred that he doesn’t need to run outside to get Pony Head?” Marco asked.

Moon shook her head. “Manfred could use the exercise,” she leaned in to whisper the rest in Marco’s ear. “He’s gained a lot of weight lately.” She pushed Marco towards Princess Pony Head. “Now address our… Uni ambassador.”

Marco cleared his throat and bowed at Pony Head. “Princess Pony Head.”

“Prince Tur-I mean, Prince Marco,” Pony Head nodded to simulate a bow as best she could.

“What have you come to discuss about our kingdoms’…” Marco looked over at Star, who was mouthing ‘relations’ at him. “Relations.”

Pony Head bobbed in the air in a way that mimicked a shrug. “I dunno’.”

“The ambassador said he had important matters to discuss,” Moon butted in with her arms crossed.

“I told you, he’s sick. He was throwing up all over the place and all the people in the castle with legs were slipping in it, it’s a real mess over there. He was trying to tell me something when I said I’d go but it was all just ‘barf, barf, barf’ over and over and people crying and all that.”

“Maybe that’s was what he was trying to tell us about? Some kind of plague?” Marco suggested.

Pony Head thought on this for a moment. “Nah, if anyone else had what he has, all of Uni would be flooded by now.”

“Then I guess, uh, our diplomatic relations are good?” Marco continued.

“Well yeah, duh. Star and you are my best besties,” Pony Head nodded.

“I meant between Mewni and Uni.”

“Oh, they’re fine I guess.”

Moon sighed.

“Okay that’s done with now LET’S PARTY!” Star and Pony Head jumped for joy.

Moon coughed. “Don’t you need to return to Uni?”

“I can’t go back there! The ambassador guy’s probably contagious and’s gotten everyone else sick.”

“So there _is_ a plague,” Marco said.

“Yeah I guess so. And that’s probably way more important to tell you guys about than whatever he wanted to tell you guys in the first place,” Pony Head smiled to herself. “I am such a good ambassador.”

\---

Moon collapsed into her throne and massaged her temples.

“Rough day, dear?” River asked while taking his seat next to her.

“Marco’s lessons have hit a snag. A snag shaped like a disembodied pony head.”

“Oh, speaking of pony heads, I just finished talking with King Pony Head on the mirror. He says there’s been an outbreak of sickness in the castle and Princess Pony Head should remain here until the situation improves.”

Moon sighed and slumped lower in her throne. River leaned over and put his hand on Moon’s shoulder.  “Marco’s doing fine. He may not be as strong or as familiar with the land as a mewman, but I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather be at Star’s side when she becomes queen.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Moon smiled.

“Though on that note, I think I have the perfect idea on how to toughen Marco up a little.”


	7. Into the Forest (of Certain Death) Or, Sleepover 2: The Sleepover-ening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What started as a simple chapter about Marco and River going camping has evolved into a sleepover themed epic far longer than the other chapters. Enjoy!

Once it became clear that Moon’s lesson on diplomacy was going nowhere, Star and Pony Head had ran off to catch up while Marco went to get lunch. Balancing large books atop one’s head could work up an appetite, Marco was surprised to have ever had to think about. After finishing eating he traveled the castle in search of Star. While he’d been to the Butterfly Castle many times and had lived in it for the past week, it was still a labyrinth of hallways and purposeless rooms to him.

Turning a corner, Marco entered the throne room. He frowned as he’d already been here, meaning he had gotten turned around yet again. Marco’s displeasure at getting lost was short lived, as he saw Star facing away from him. She had just finished talking with Queen Moon.

Marco quietly approached Star, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her around for a kiss.

“Hi Marco!”

He screamed and leapt away from the woman he previously thought was Star. While the blonde wig and color contacts were very convincing, and the makeup simulating Star’s cheek emblems was better than before, there was no mistaking who the woman actually was.

“S-StarFan13?” Marco gasped. “What? How? Why?”

“I’m a body-double now,” StarFan13 proudly announced.

Marco looked to Queen Moon for an explanation. Before she could say anything, the actual Star ran in accompanied by Pony Head.

“What’s going on? I heard screaming…” Star trailed off as she noticed her doppelganger’s presence. “StarFan13! Hugs!” She pulled StarFan into one of her trademark hugs.

“What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since the wedding reception,” Star asked.

“Remember how I jumped out of the wedding cake? That was so cool.”

“Yeah,” Star nodded. “I just wish you’d been wearing clothes…” she added under her breath.

Moon got up from her throne and walked to Star, Marco, and StarFan13. “She is going to be your body double from now on.”

“That means if an assassin targets you, they’ll get me instead!” StarFan added with an unusual level of giddiness. Unusual for anyone besides StarFan, of course. “And I get to wear this wig and your clothes so I look even more like you.”

“You are so lucky, B-Fly! Your own body-double? I’m totally jealous,” Pony Head commented in a tone that Star couldn’t tell whether it was genuine or sarcastic.

“I noticed her at the wedding and how expendable-I mean, _dependable_ she seemed,” Moon said. “Coupled with her obvious devotion to Star, I felt she’d be perfect for the role.”

“I get to live with you and put my life on the line for you!”

Star half-smiled. “Thanks, but I don’t really need a body double do I? I don’t want StarFan13 getting killed for me or anything.”

“Even by the standards of a princess with a wand of unfathomable cosmic power, the forces of evil seem drawn to you like moths to a light. Now that you’re fast approaching queen-hood, your safety is of paramount importance.” Moon said.

“She’s got a point, Star,” Marco added. “You are kind of a danger magnet. There was Ludo, Toffee, Miss Heinous, Preston Change-O, Mina Loveberry, Eclipsa, the state of Wisconsin…” Marco counted off on his fingers the enemies Star had encountered since they first met.

Star frowned. “I don’t want StarFan to get hurt because of me.”

“But _I_ want to!” StarFan13 retorted. “Every injury I get will be an injury meant for Star Butterfly that’s now mine,” she swooned.

Star shrugged. “I guess I can’t argue with that.”

“I mean literally, I don’t think anyone even knows what to say in response to that,” Pony Head said.

A warrior’s cry echoed through the throne room. Everyone flinched and looked around for the source of the commotion. With another shout, the double doors leading to the castle’s entrance burst open. King River, wearing nothing but a loincloth, strode in.

“Marco, we’re going camping for the night in the Forest of Certain Death!” He announced.

Star was beaming with excitement. “This is gonna’ be so much fun! I know you like your Earth camping where nature is nice and gives you love bites, but you haven’t lived until you’ve camped Mewman-style,” she put her arm around Marco. “We can fight monsters, and roast oogberries, and play ‘who can stand being bitten by venomous snakes the longest before passing out,’ and-“

“You won’t be going with us, Star,” River said.

Star’s smile disappeared in an instant. “What?”

“I’m sorry, but this trip is just between Marco and I. Sort of a father-in-law-son-in-law bonding experience.”

“Fine,” Star pouted. She took Marco’s hand, “Just don’t have too much fun without me.”

“It’s impossible to have too much fun without you around,” Marco gave Star a goodbye kiss which made her cheek emblems glow slightly. “I’ll be back before you know it.” He walked off towards their room.

“Where are you going?” River asked.

“To get packed,” Marco answered.

River laughed. “You won’t need to pack anything. As long as you’ve got the skin on your back you’re ready to go!”

“That doesn’t mean I have to wear a loincloth, does it?”

“Well if you really don’t want to…”

\---

“Bored. Bored. Bored,” Star had been repeating the word for all the fifteen minutes that had passed since Marco and River left. She was laying on her bed, head dangling off the edge. Pony Head and StarFan13 sat on nearby beanbag chairs Star had conjured for them with her wand.

“Hey Star, which of the pillows is the one you use most?” StarFan13 pointed to pile of pillows on Star and Marco’s bed.

“Uh,” Star scratched her chin, “that one, I think?” She tried to point at one of the pillows, though it was more difficult than she had expected with her head still upside down.

StarFan13 hopped up from her beanbag chair and grabbed the pillow. She then stuffed it down the front of her dress. “Thanks; Queen Moon says I need to make my body’s scent the same as yours.”

Star smiled to herself. Pony Head relaxing on a beanbag chair, StarFan13 being creepy in that lovable, mostly harmless way, it seemed like they were all fourteen again hanging out in her old tower at the Diazes. An idea emerged from the depths of her boredom and Star snapped to attention.

“That’s it!” Star exclaimed while jumping off the bed. She did a midair flip and stuck the landing to face Pony Head and StarFan13. “We’re all together again, it’s the evening, let’s have a sleepover!”

“Aw yeah! Now you’re talking, B-Fly!”

“We’ll call up Janna, get some spaghetti hoops, put a movie on, it’s gonna’ be great!” Star pumped her fist in the air.

\---

While it was only five, the sun was completely gone, blocked out by the dense foliage of the Forest of Certain Death. River led the way, using a broadsword to hack through vines and carnivorous plants that blocked his and Marco’s path. Marco ducked out of the way as plant fragments soared over his head.

“Here! We’ll set up camp here,” River pointed to clearing so barren that even the forest canopy could not cover it all, allowing a ray of sunlight to shine through.

Eager to rest after the long hike, Marco stepped into the clearing only for River to grab him by the waist and pull Marco back. Dirt-crusted tentacles burst from the spot Marco had been not a second before.

“You said we were making camp here!” Marco instinctively got into a fighting stance while staring down the clutch of tentacles.

“We are, but first we have to get rid of the spot’s occupant,” River held up his broadsword and charged.

\---

“Janna Banana!” Star threw her arms around Janna, not even waiting to close the portal Janna had come through first.

“So these are you new digs, huh?” Janna whistled while inspecting Star and Marco’s room.

“Yep. It’s been nothing but domestic bliss and royalty training related hijinks for Marco and me,” Star motioned to collection of beanbags and pillows she’s set up for the partygoers to sit on. “So how are things with you? How’s that cult thing going?”

“Not so hot,” Janna grimaced. “You summon one shoggoth demon and suddenly you’re on the FBI’s watch-list.” She waved her hands in the air sarcastically.

“Okay Janna’s here, are we ready to get the party started or what?” Pony Head asked.

Star held up her finger, “Got one more person on the guest list.”

\---

River and Marco sat around a campfire, roasting the smaller tentacles of the ground-octopus they’d slain on a spit.

“You know, King River, this isn’t so bad,” Marco put his hands behind his head and leaned back on the log he sitting against.

“Call me River, there are no kings out here,” he pulled a tentacle off the spit and bit down on it. “Hmm, a little gamey by land calamari standards.”

\---

Star dragged her mother by the wrist towards the others. “I doubt you’d want me as part of your little sleepover…”

“We’re all adults now, mom. That means we can hang out together without it being weird.”

“If you say so,” Moon sat down next to Pony Head. She gave a nervous smile to the others.

Star rubbed her hands together. “Alright everybody, let’s get this party started!” Everyone besides Moon all cheered. “What should we do first?”

“How about truth or dare?” Janna suggested.

“As long as there’s no killer robot cube thing this time I’m in,” Pony Head nodded.

Star dropped down onto the nearest pillow. “Okay then. Mom, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Moon sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Who do you… have a crush on?”

“My husband,” Moon rolled her eyes. “Who do you have a crush on?”

“That’s easy. My husb…” Star trailed off. “Wow. Truth or dare isn’t nearly as impactful when you’re adults with stable relationships.”

\---

Their feast done, River had taken Marco to a large ant mound with a fist-sized hole in the side. Marco held out his hand towards the hole but stopped before entering.

“Come on, do it!” River smiled in a way that immediately reminded Marco of Star. That didn’t give him any confidence towards the task at hand. “It’ll be a hoot!”

Marco took a deep breath, grit his teeth, and thrust his hand into the hole. He instantly screamed bloody murder and withdrew his hand. His fist was bright red and covered in large welts.

“Three seconds in the pain hole, not bad,” River clapped Marco on the back. “Not bad for a beginner, that is.” He sauntered past Marco towards the pain hole. “Watch and learn.”

\---

The sleepover had moved from truth or dare to magical pedicures via Star’s wand. Lacking any toes, Pony Head taken the opportunity to use the little pony’s room. StarFan13 bit her nails while awaiting Star’s magical pedicure.

“Foot beautification beam!” Star fired her wand at StarFan13.

“Oh my gosh!” StarFan gasped. Her feet had been switched so that her left foot was attached to her right ankle and vice versa.

“I can fix it!”

StarFan13 shook her head. “It’s perfect!”

Pony Head shoved the door open. A paper bag was clutched between her teeth which she then dropped onto one of the beanbag chairs. “Check it, I found these while looking for the bathroom.”

Janna took the bag and withdrew two glass bottles filled with a fizzy, clear liquid. She gasped.

“Rich People Water!”

“There’s plenty more in there.”

Star reached in and grabbed another bottle. She bit down on the cork to pull it off.

“Where did you find these?” Moon asked Pony Head while Star continued to gnaw at her bottle’s cork.

“They were just lying around in this super-expensive looking cellar downstairs.”

Moon sighed. “Well I suppose this is as much a special occasion as any I was saving them for.”

Star finally pulled the cork from the bottle. She spat the cork away and took a long swig.

“Here,” Star handed the bottle to Moon.

“I don’t know…”

“Come on, Queen Butterfly,” Janna nudged Moon. “Live a little. Let your hair down.” She held up Moon’s suddenly missing hair pins for emphasis.

“Maybe a just a taste…”

\---

River and Marco were soaking their bitten hands in a nearby brook.

“Fifteen minutes, that’s amazing!” Marco said.

“I could keep my hand in there for an hour when I was your age.”

\---

Bottles of empty Rich People Water were strewn about the room. Moon stood atop Star’s bed, holding a half empty bottle like a microphone.

“ ** _Disco girl, coming through!_** ” Moon sang into her bottle. “ ** _That girl is you! OOH OOOH, OOH OOOH!_** ”

“Sing it, girl!” Pony Head cheered. StarFan13 wolf-whistled in agreement.

While the impromptu karaoke session took place by the bed, Star and Janna were thumbing through Star’s spell book.

“Ooh, let’s cast this one!” Janna pointed to a page inscribed with unrecognizable glyphs and drawings of a strange creature. It was a mass of eyes, tentacles, teeth, and insect chiton. A much smaller drawing of a mewman stood next to it for scale, implying the monster was roughly the size of an elephant. Star nodded and began to wave her wand to match the runic symbols on the page.

Janna’s eyes rolled back in her head and she began to chant. “Egassem sdrawkcab! Egassem sdrawkcab!”

Black mist poured from the spell book, coalescing into a table-sized vortex. The creature depicted on the page shot out of the portal and kept going, leaving a gaping hole in the roof. Janna shook off the trance she had been put into and hi-fived Star.

“Aw man, that was crazy!” Star giggled.

“Yeah, we totally just started the apocalypse,” Janna agreed then hiccupped.

\---

Back at their campsite, Marco and River were settling down for the night.

“Got the sticks and leaves,” Marco dropped his pile of plant matter and dusted off his hands. “What are they for?”

“Our sleeping bags, of course,” River explained. He grabbed two handfuls of the leaves and covered his body with them. “Just make sure there aren’t any meat weasels in there, first.”

“Meat weasels?” A loud crash sounded out from a nearby copse of trees. “What was that?”

“Calm down, Marco,” River brushed his leaf and stick ‘sleeping bag’ off and stood up. “I know every inch of this forest and every monster that dwells within. Whatever that was, I know exactly how to best it.”

The eldritch abomination Star and Janna has summoned lurched out from the trees. It roared in a thousand separate voices, each unspeakably disturbing in its own special way. River’s jaw dropped at the sight of the beast.

“Run Marco! I’ve never seen anything like that before in my life! Run for the hills!”

The pair took off in a desperate sprint. The lovecraftian nightmare took chase. Without legs, it rolled after them like a boulder of flesh and hatred. Marco spied a familiar plant up ahead.

“I’ve got a plan!” He pointed to the flytrap he had nearly been eaten by on his first trip to Mewni. River nodded and switched directions to head straight for it.

Marco and River got as close to the giant flytrap as they dared before leaping into the air. They landed on the other side while the pursuing creature barreled into the flytrap. Its leaf-jaws snapped shut around the monster.

“Good job, Marco!” River laughed heartily.

The flytrap twitched. It strained to hold itself together. River and Marco backed away from the plant as it swayed back and forth. With a terrible rip the flytrap burst open and the monster emerged to resume its pursuit. The chase continued.

River had left his broadsword at the camp, so now he resorted to clearing vines and branches with his fists. Marco caught one of the branches that River had punched away and threw it at the monster. The branch stabbed into one of the creature’s eyes. It let out of a roar of discontent but didn’t slow down.

\---

Dawn was breaking at the Butterfly castle. Star, Pony Head, StarFan13, Janna, and Moon were sprawled out across the floor.

“I have to say, that was… rather fun,” Moon leaned over to smile at Star.

The door was karate kicked off its hinges. Marco and River ran in.

“We’ve gotta’ get out of here!” Marco yelled.

“Wha?” Star rubbed at her temples. A massive headache was settling in for her.

“There’s not much time,” River picked up Moon by the shoulders. “The royal guard won’t be able to hold the beast off much longer.”

A blood curdling roar came from down the hall. “We’re too late.” One of the beast’s spiked tentacles wrapped around River. Marco tried to pull River from the creature’s grasp.

Janna rolled over in her sleep and her hand knocked Star’s spell book from its pedestal. It landed on Janna’s stomach, jolting her awake. She pushed the book away and sat up to see what was going on.

The monster had fully entered the room. River, Moon, StarFan13 and Marco had been caught up in the beast’s tentacles, Pony Head head-butted at the tentacles to try and free them, while Star fired off countless narwhal blasts, all to no avail. Janna thumbed through the spell book, searching for the spell she and Star had used the night before.

“Come on, come on…” Finally she came upon the page in question. “Yes! Star, cast this!” Janna held up the spell book.

Star ceased her narwhal blasts to glance at the page. She repeated the wand motions from last night and Janna chanted “Egassem sdrawkcab!” Once more black mist coiled out from the page and formed a vortex. The monster roared in pain as it was dragged through the room and into the portal.

With a final inhuman wail the beast was sucked through the vortex, its tentacles too weak to maintain its hold on Moon, StarFan13, River, and Marco.

Star ran to Marco and embraced him in a reunion hug. River looked around the trashed bedroom and smirked at Moon.

“It looks like you girls had quite the interesting night as well.”

“Yes, last night taught me something. A revelation, if you will,” Moon leaned against River. “We are in desperate need of a vacation.”


End file.
